My secret

My secret

She cries and feels alone, trapped within herself but she’s not alone. “Sssh” they whisper. “We have your back you can trust us”. But unbeknown to her they are slowly destroying her.

Again and again she listens to them, she gets weaker and weaker but there is no escape. Underneath the smiles and the laughs lies a girl who is falling apart and out of shape.

“You need us” they shout and she believes them. Who else has she got? Her new friends are really enemies but she doesn’t know that. It’s just another problem.

They push and push. How far will she go? She tries to hide what’s going on but really the people closest to her know.

Her secret is out. She could never keep it to herself. “Look what you’ve done, you failure” they shout.

Who could this girl be?….

It’s me!

Here but not really

Here but not really

Do you ever feel like your floating?
Like your not really here there or anywhere. Your mind wanders and you daydream wishing they were real.

You desperately grip onto all if any hope you have left. One day it will get better you whisper. But you don’t believe the words you rely on.

The days, months and years fly by but you don’t feel any better. Others say your strong for keeping going but what other option is there? I’m not living but surviving you say.

The memory’s haunt you like a ghost does in a haunted house. The events happen all over again daily but deep down you know it’s not real. But then again you feel trapped within your own mind.

HELP you cry but who are you calling to?

Not living but surviving

Not living but surviving

Sitting on the bus realising I am just a small fish in this massive pond. Who am I?

Everyday is the same. I’m stuck on repeat. Sleep, exercise, eat repeat. What am I doing?

The swirling tornado of fear springs upon me at any given time. Which fear this time?

Sitting alone while my family laugh downstairs. Why am I so lonely?

Listening to the voices whisper, shout and moan. When will they leave me alone?

Not eating right to please ‘them’. The binge, starve cycles are my life. When will this stop?

 
I want to recover but I’m not. I’m letting ‘them’ win. I want to win but I can’t or maybe a part of me won’t. This isn’t life. I’m not living but surviving.

Dear Ana, Mia and Ed

Dear Ana, Mia and Ed

You have ruined my life. Your constant words of hate towards me are not just hurting me but my family and friends to.

I have no social life because of you. I have to make excuses as to why I can’t go out with friends. We both know what I’ll really be doing- overexercising.

I am an encyclopaedia for calories in food. I must look ridiculous in supermarkets for picking up every item to check how many calories are in it. Plus because of you and your lies I can’t eat meat.

You have caused me to spend stupid amounts of money on laxatives. I am addicted to them, eating them like smarties.

Then come the binges. “You deserve it, eat everything in the house” “indulge”

I have been living with you for 5 years but NO I don’t want you in my life anymore. But you won’t go away. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

So many unanswered questions

How, when, will, can, does, where 

 

How many more years will I battle the black dog?

When will the tingly fingers, hyperventilating and fear of dying stop?

When will or will this medication kick in?

How long will I have to wait to get the right help?

When will I have the strength to stop hurting myself?

Will I ever be able to eat a normal amount?

Will I ever stop binging?

Will I ever stop worrying about calories?

Will I ever have a good body image?

Will the battle in my mind ever stop?

Will I enjoy actives that I used to love again?

Can my parents forgive me for the worry and sleepless nights that I have caused them?

When will I forgive myself?

Does God love me(do I love God)? Where am I with my faith?

Where is God?
So many unanswered questions that no one knows the answers of. I’m not even sure if I want to know the answers of some of them.

“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”
‭‭2 Peter‬ ‭3:9‬ ‭NIV

What if I’ve been patient for too long God? Sometimes I feel like I’m mentally ill for a reason but I honestly can’t deal with much more.

‘Never say goodbye to someone you can’t live without’

image

Goodbye

Goodbye to the man who helped me to trust
But to learn to live without out you is a must

Goodbye to the man who gave me safety
My home, my work, the world outside may one day be ok(maybe)

Goodbye to the man who pushed me to see a professional
Now I have to trust someone else and if I do it will be incredible.

Goodbye to the man who helped uncover events from when I was little
Now I know that they are official but how do I cope?

Goodbye to the man who believed everything I shared even the things I thought weren’t important
Maybe I shouldn’t be scared of this torment

Goodbye to the man who has been my rock for the past 22months and without you I’d be in a completely situation
I’m sorry if I have ignored, shouted and blamed for this duration

I know you will have a positive effect on anyone else you meet.

‘A single sunbeam is enough to drive away many shadows’

 

Today was my last ever counselling session with my counsellor. Unfortenly he was leaving to do another job. Deaths don’t usually effect me but I feel like I have to grieve for him.